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The decor is like the bastard child of an East End boozer and a downtrodden Ukrainian casino.

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All five of them. As well as reminding us not to take pictures or jerk it in the pub, there were s in the toilets warning us against standing on toilet seats.

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The strip-pub recently underwent substantial renovations, making me worry what it might have been like inside when it looked like this. This lonely bloke sipping on his pint of water was having a whale of a time.

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Every ten minutes a scantily clad dancer walks around and demands a pound coin from every godforsaken soul in attendance, places it in a pint jug, and hits the pole. The DJ managed to make himself sound but not look exuberant while misogynistically introducing each dancer to the stage, which is impressive considering the ambience was more fitting of an underground game of Russian Roulette than a London pub.

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As depressing as stripclubs are, this one really takes the dingy, shameful biscuit. What the fuck is wrong with this city? This is the kind of place The Griffin is.

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If they catch you taking pictures, you could be ejected from the premises. Presumably the clientele of this particular pub have a tendency to peek at other people on the loo.

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After picking up a pint from the bar, I sat down next to a fruit machine and scanned the sullen faces of the suited bankers and the spotty polo-shirted punters. That chubby, unenthusiastic bloke was tasked with introducing the strippers and playing music for their dances.

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The kind of place that needs to remind its customers not to wank. Her dimple mug heavy with six pound coins, the first dancer of my Griffin experience made her way past a fat bald man and took the pole. The DJ spins a track, and the lady removes her clothes.

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The experience was made stranger still were the big screen TVs showing Sky Sports and the s warning us that any customer caught masturbating would be ejected. Apparently The Griffin is part of a series of strip-pubs dotted around London.

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Such great vibes. Have you heard of The Griffin?

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The Griffin operates differently from most conventional strip ts. Ryan Barrell.

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